Firefight of SZ, part II
by Dan Berkey © 2007
”It's a big one this time, huge, over a thousand rooms. Are you sure these are the right coordinates?” asked Zeph.
Dom whistled. I could tell he was itching to explore the place, and that calmed me down a bit.I scanned the figures. They were correct. I nodded. Zephud swallowed hard but said nothing. I went to get some water. Ken, one of my housemates, passed me coming out of his room. I didn't acknowledge him.
“This whole thing is way off the map!” I thought.
“Hey Dan,” Chirped Ken.
”Huh, hi Ken.”
”What's up so early?”
”I couldn't sleep, so I, huh, decided to do some reps with the weights.”
”Cool. I'll join you.”
”Ok, great, I'll just finish up so you can have them to yourself.”
”No, no, don't bother. I'll join you now.”
“Oh, for God's sake,” I thought. The weights were in the living room next to the main monitor.
I poured a glass of water and prayed the cloaking I'd devised would hold up. Ken was smart, a shrewd artist. He had strong instincts. He might sense something.
When I got back Ken was doing some curls. He had a game show on the monitor disguised as the TV. Fortunately, it was capable of simultaneous transmissions. I designed it that way. Zephud stared at me with a sly smirk. Ken was bugging him. I patted him on the shoulder.
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” I muttered, “It's weird. Just keep working.”
“Are you sure about this?” he whispered.
This had never happened before.
I shrugged and said, “Let's just keep working.”
Ken fiddled with the tuning. Zephud put his head down and waited.
Tomas, Erinick and Regel came in. They considered Ken with obvious concern.
“Who is this nerd?” sneered Erinick.
“My roommate,” I whispered, “Don't worry. He can't see or hear any of you except me.”
“He better not or it's your ass!” she hissed.
“Don't worry.”
Tomas motioned me over to a corner. “What's the idea, Berk, listening to those jerks yesterday?”
”I'm sorry, man. It was a weak moment.”
”Sure as hell was, yeah. We can't afford weak moments, not one, not at this point, especially from someone in your position. We rely on you, man. If we can't trust you to do your job the whole operation'll fail, you know that, and what do you think'll happen after that?”
”What can I say? It won't happen again.” I said, but I really didn't believe it.
I was weakening, little by little, like a great hand was whittling me down. It was a sensation I hadn't felt as an adult. I only vaguely remembered it as a child.
A brilliant light flashed on the screen with a correspondingly loud whine.
”That's it!” yelped Zaphud, “The signal.”
We gathered around him and stared at the monitor. Erinick was the first to speak, “Some house!” he yelped with excitement.
At that moment I felt something I'd never felt before, fear.
I stuffed it and asked, “Where's Drake, Vinnous and Tram?”
They looked at me strangely.
“I mean it. Where are they?”
“Where do you think?”
Somebody won a trip to the Bahamas or something. Ken made a yelp. Tomas moved up to him and made a face.
“Can it, Tomas!” I barked.
Ken stared at me.
I shook my head. “I'm buggin' Ken, sorry.”
“Yeah, I guess. Too early?”
“No shit. I should know better.” I laughed; Ken did not. I faked a yawn.
“Ok,” snapped Zephud, “Let's get out of here.”
I pulled out the guns and ammo from under the sofa and passed them out. Another of my roomies sauntered in with a plate of toast and coffee.
“Morning Mark,” I muttered.
“Morning Dan, what's up?”
”Nothing much.”
”You look way too awake.”
“Yeah, well, I've been up since three. Couldn't sleep.”
”Hear that Regel?” jeered Zephud.
”No shit, Dan…couldn't sleep, awwwww.”
“Cut the shit, Zeph, ok!” I snapped.
“What?” asked Ken with a weird look. Mark stared at me.
“Dammit!” I hissed and turned away.
“I told you, Dan,” said Tomas menacingly in a low whisper, “Keep a lid on.”
I threw up my arms in a sudden rage. “Tomas! If you yowl at me like that and make me react they'll see that!”
He stared at me, as did Ken and Mark. I didn't know what to say. Ken looked worried. Mark stared blankly. The other five walked out with frowns and snarls. They were all pissed.
“Who's this, huh, Tomas, Dan?” asked Ken in a small voice.
“Huh, no one, Ken…I was just, huh, you know, blowing off steam.”
They stared at me, and I felt like an idiot.
“I'll see you guys later, ok.” I said with a burst of forced cheerfulness.
Neither Mark nor Ken responded.
I left the house in a hurry. The others had congregated round a SUV down the block.
“What's it going to be?” asked Tomas sharply.
I shook my head.
“I'll be fine, ok?”
They didn't buy it; not surprising, neither did I.
“Let's get on with it,” I urged, “We have a challenge today. Consider it a gift. We've been getting spoiled.”
Erinick sidled up to me. “Dan, I swear, if you give them another inch we're dead, and that includes you.”
”Yes.”
“They're liars, Dan, all of them, clever as hell. They mean to confuse us to destroy us.”
“Yeah, I know. At least I think I know”
“We have to be clever too.”
”You're not telling me anything I don't know.”
”Then act like it!” barked Drake, “Remember why you're here!”
”Ok, ok...” I was getting angry. This was a waste of time. The day had begun.
“We're counting on you, Dan, big time. Let yourself down, you let us all down.”
”I know that.”
”We're a team…”
”For God's sake...”
“We are.”
”Eri, I know!”
”If you fold again we're walking. You hear me?”
”Yeah, I hear you.”
“You're not gonna make us look stupid!”
“I won't; believe me.”
“We can't afford it.”
”Neither can I.”
”That's good, Dan, good, because we don't want to walk.”
”I'm glad.”
”We need you as much as you need us. If we walk, well…” He stared at me.
I nodded. It was true.
“Let's go.”
And we were gone.
The house in question was a monster. It was an understatement to call it a mansion. None of us had encountered one this large. We needed everything we'd learned up to now.
Before splitting up into three groups, since we'd decided it was best to encounter this ‘thing' from several directions at once, we huddled on a hill to review our strategy. It was plain on everyone's face. We were all scared. I was terrified, but I refused to show it.
I prayed no one suspected, but I'd concocted a radical new plan.
“Tomas, take Erinick and enter here.” I pointed to the garage entrance on the map.
Both nodded and moved away.
“Regel, you and Vinnous approach from the Bodega side. Don't be seduced by the innocent looking doorman. He's a phase-one ultra-guard, extremely lethal. Be careful. There's only one way to defeat him. Learn his key operative word. I know that's tricky, but be patient and listen. He'll give it up in time. Then use it, right away. Don't hesitate!”
They gave me a quick look, which I couldn't interpret, and ran off.
“Drake, you, Dom and Tram, enter from the back over the fence through the garbage cans. I'm sure they don't expect anything like that. Just be very careful. There may be more gun-huts than detected on our scans.”
They bustled off laden with guns and ammo.
“Zeph, that leaves you and I.”
He nodded without looking at me.
“This is it, isn't it, Dan?”
He was on to me.
“Yes,” I whispered.
”No more?”
”I hope not.”
”You know where you sent them, don't you!”
”Yes, but then, so did you.”
”Yes.”
”Why didn't you say anything?”
”What would've been the point? It was inevitable.”
I looked at him. “I'm surprised you said that, Zeph. You're right.”
He nodded.
“I didn't think anybody else knew.”
”Yeah.”
“You knew all along?”
”What do you think?” he asked with a strange smirk.
I didn't answer.
We stretched out on the damp ground in silence. It had been raining. The pensiveness I'd been experiencing was gone. I felt a vague desire to laugh but squelched it. I'd expected a struggle with Zeph.
I laughed long and hard.
The expected helicopter soon appeared. It hovered high above us for a minute then began its slow descent. It made me nervous, but I didn't know why.
We heard shots from inside the house, screams. A hot, fetid wind picked up. Panic welled. The sky grew dark with heavy thunderclouds. Lightning flashed in the distance. The smell of ozone was strong. I looked at Zeph. He was staring at me with the strangest smile. I became very drowsy. He leaned toward me and said something, but I didn't understand him. I heard laughter, but it wasn't Zeph. He'd gotten to his feet and walked away. The laughter grew louder. I looked toward the house. It had changed. My vision was getting blurry and I couldn't keep a fixed gaze. The laughter was now an indistinct roar. The house was undulating.
I passed out.
Then it happened, the one thing I feared the most but never experienced, the one thing I'd hoped would remain a fear.
Perhaps it was the truth, and maybe I needed to know it.
Maybe it was how little boys learned to be adults.
It wasn't what I wanted.
A long time elapsed in silence. Gradually I became aware of voices in the distance. They approached me.
“How long do we have to wait for him to come around?”
”As long as it takes, Vinny.”
When I opened my eyes everything was a blur. The voices surrounded me.
“OK, he's come to, can we go now?”
”NO, Tom, you stay where you are; all of you, stay put! It's because of you and your pals this happened!”
“Yeah, ok, but we were just having a little fun,” added Reg softly, “He likes those soldier and spy games”
”When somebody is crippled, do you make fun of them?”
“He was having fun. What's wrong with that?”
“Illusion isn't fun in the long run or maybe you don't know that yet.”
“Imagination isn't fun?”
“Illusion, delusion is not imagination.”
”Is there a difference?”
”Imagination knows where it comes from; delusions, illusions do not."
“What do you have to offer in exchange but doped up drills to satisfy a dead machine that has no imagination?” asked Tom with a cocky tone.
”Is that a bad thing in your estimation?”
”What's the machine to you?”
”Tom. What's the point of asking? You know.”
Tom didn't answer.
“You know, don't you? Say it!”
“Ok, ok, I know, now shut up!”
Counselor and patient stared each other down for a long, stiff moment. It made everyone nervous.
Tom didn't say another word. He leaned back against the wall and chewed gum.
The room gradually came into view. I stared at the light fixture and the toy helicopter dangling above me. At first I was afraid to move. I didn't know exactly where I was or if I was. When I looked around and saw Tom and the others staring at me along the wall I knew exactly where I was, and I resented it. What happened next was no surprise.
I closed me eyes and heard,
“Move, Dan, move,” shouted Zeph frantically, “They're right behind you.”
I sprang to my feet.
The smoke was thick. I couldn't make out any figures, but I heard running and shouts. I heard laughter but not a laughter befitting the fight. It came from elsewhere. When I heard shots I started to move toward a tiny portal of light that appeared to my right. Shouts and shots grew fainter. I began to run. I heard other feet besides my own, at first one pair, then two; finally there were many running feet beside me. I wasn't afraid. They weren't the enemy; I could tell. The smoke gradually cleared. I looked around as I ran. Zeph was right along side me. Tomas was behind me. Erinick was close behind him. Soon the other four joined us. I stopped running when I reached the portal. Zeph took my right hand; Erinick took my left. Tomas put his hand on my left shoulder. Regal put her hand on my head. Drake put his hand on my right shoulder.
“That was way too close,” said Dom in a low tense voice.
”We're never going to succeed if you continually allow yourself to be drawn into their illusions, Dan!”
”I know, I know, I KNOW!” I said with great frustration.
“They're very clever.”
“No kidding, Tomas, tell me about it!”
”They know what you want most.”
”They also know the only way you'll get what you really want. They'll continue to use this information against you.”
“As often as you want it, too. They can sense that.”
“I just don't see that. You're giving them more credit than they deserve.”
“I don't think so.”
“You are!”
”Can the crap, Berk.”
“It just presumes they're smarter than we are, and they're not!”
“Are you sure?”
”They're slippery, yeah, and they learn quickly, but they're not smarter. Don't give them that.”
“Have we shown you anything but sincerity, Dan?”
”What does that have to do with anything?”
”Just everything.”
“Frankly, Eri, at this point, I don't know what to believe.”
“We know,” replied Tomas simply,
”That's something only you can decide, Tomas,” I replied, "One knowing or another."
”What?”
”When you're ready to decide it.”
“Decide what, Dan?
”Until that point of knowing arrives, Dan,” interjected Dom, “there exists only what you know to be true at the time, what you want to be true.”
”What you think is true.”
”It's the only thing I have,” I said, "What do you have, Dom?"
I jerked awake, shook my head and sat up. I was sitting at my desk looking down at a game board. It was mid-day. Plastic pieces were strewn about.
“Man, what a dream!”
I fumbled for paper and pen to get it down, but the details were dribbling away. I scribbled fast, but I was only able to get pieces. I wrote till the images stopped. I wrote till my brain was exhausted. After a moment, I reconsidered the writing. It was rough but clear, and for the time being that was ok.
I knew someday all of these bits accrued, here and there, would reveal a truth that has continued to elude me. It would set me free. I was convinced of it. Till then, I would have to be satisfied with the pieces and the concomitant questions, but to be honest, I wasn't satisfied no matter what they said or did. Something had to be done.
My associates banged on my door. I roused my body and let them in.
“Hey, Ted, can't you put that damn game away,” sneered Dominique, “We have to get back to work.”
“Yeah, yeah,”
”Hell's bells, Ted, come on,” chirped Erin.”
”Ok, it's just that I was finally getting somewhere with this character.”
”That's swell, Ted, great,” Dominique echoed patronizingly, “Come on!”.
”You have your way of working. I have mine.”
”Games?” asked Reg with a laugh.
”Yeah, games.”
”Well, I don't see.”
“I keep on trying to explain, but you don't listen.”
“Explain it again,” damanded Dominique.
”Oh, for…!”
“Please?”
After a long deep breath, I replied,
”Ok, Dom, Reg, look at this.” I rearranged the plastic pieces on the board. “See. The guy, Berk, thinks he's trapped, right?”
”Yes,” muttered Reg.
”Now, how does he get un-trapped?”
“I don't know,” blurted Vinny in exasperation.
“Of course you do.”
”No I don't.”
“Look, Vinny! This, right here, is an answer.” I tapped the board and fingered a few of the plastic pieces. “…One of many answers.”
“Sorry, man, but I…”
”One of many!”
He stared at me.
The scene suddenly shifted to the battlefield.
”You're flakin' out, Dan,” barked Regal.
”No, I'm not, Reg. Look close," I said, referring to the battle plans, feeling rather confused. "The fight is here, right here…”
Then I was jerked back to my room, holding onto the invisible mast. The others didn't seem to notice the little journey or my little confusion.
I tapped the board. “It's what he knows, right?” I said, barely concealing my angst.
“Pretty much all he knows,” said Vinny, nodding.
”Good. The greatest generals of the world know the importance of games.”
”Yes, I know,” said Dom.
“They knew how to use them.
”Yeah.”
These little plastic pieces are essentially the only things Dan sees, the only things he allows himself to see. I move them around to see what he sees inside his mind. I become his mind. Little by little I move him a little further out each time, a little further out of the trap, a little bit closer...”
“Closer to what?” asked Vinny.
“To the unasked question,” I replied softly.
”Why don't you just move him all the way out at once?” chortled Eri.
I looked at Eri with astonishment. After a short pause, I said,
”That's not possible, Eri. You know that.”
”Why not?”
”Stop playing around, girl.”
“You don't know yourself, do you?”
”Eri..."
”He doesn't know, the piece of crap!" spat Eri, "You don't, do you?”
“Hunh, ok, whatever you say, Babe.”
She took a short breath and belted,
”You've made up this stupid fight that he has to fight every day in a different damn house, and you drag us along.”
”I didn't make up the fight, Eri. The fight was there already. It's always been there.”
“From when?”
”The beginning.”
”Why does he have to do that?”
”Do what?”
”Be in a different house every day?”
I took a moment to calm myself.
”Eri," I said slowly, "are you acting stupid today for some reason.”
”No, I just want a straight answer, that's all. There's been a lot of double-talk.”
I turned away disgusted and muttered, ”Of course, of course...”
”Double-talk, evasions, smart answers…”
”What did you expect?”
Before I could answer, another woman's voice barked,
”This!”
She pulled a gun. I stared at it.
There was an explosion.
My eyes jerked open. I felt rough straps tighten around my body and the prick of a needle. I saw a smiling woman's face under a white cap hovering inches above my head. I smiled back. She dissolved. The room dissolved. A harness was pulling me up. I heard the loud thup-thup-thup of the helicopter. When I looked up and saw the smiling, relieved faces of my buddies Zeph and Dom and the tipsy eye of Vinnous peering out of the copter, I knew the battle of the day was over, and we were still ok, still intact.
They flew me all the way home where I slept sound till the next day. In my dreams I became one with them again, and I was glad; so were the others. The graceful lady-of-the-door was there. She smiled at me.
When I awoke, however, I knew we were still nine, but that was cool; I expected nothing more.
The fight had to continue.Hailing from Minneapolis, Dan Berkey moved to NYC in '86 to train as an actor. Since then he has worked extensively in the underground theatre and film world. Writing has always been important, but it's only been in the last few years that he's focussed on his dominant theme, examining the mystery of the psyche with particular attention to the Jungian perspective, boring in on the schizophrenic experience.