Photograph by John D. Stanton 3AMBlue
The Bear
by P.L.Johnson © 2007
I closed the front door behind me, locking out the present with it, Harley keys in hand. My ole lady was already on back waiting, ready to go.
"Where to?" I questioned "This is your idea you know."
She pulled the pocket atlas out of her jacket smiling, "Well you get on 50 and head west, we're going to the mountains."
To make a long story short, 12 hours later we were in the mouth of the canyon. By this time it was late, or early morning depending on how you looked at it. Now I been through this canyon many a time. Fifty miles of S curves. Fantastic riding, especially on a bike. Colorado must've built this highway for bikers.
God has to live up here someplace. Canyon walls rise to meet you at every curve, the Arkansas river boiling on your right. The mountain air, 20 degrees cooler than the cities far behind us.
Anyway, by now I'm tired, the ole lady, well she's a itchin to stop for a while too.
If just one too many deer jump out of nowwhere, this ride is over. I can hardly stay awake.
"There's the turn!" she hollers, over the rumble of the engine. The moon was full, lighting up the darkness like a scene from a werewolf movie.
Dawn would be creeping up on us soon. We made the turn and decided to camp at the top of the hill, maybe get a few Z's in.
This stretch of county road, just an old dirt road to me, took you up, high up into the waiting Rockies.
The air was crisp, had to dodge a few rockslides, but finally, we made it.
"Saw Mill Meadows, the perfect place to camp.'' She giggled.
I finally realized that this had been her destination all along. We rolled out the sleeping bags and crashed, we'd get the tent up tomorrow.
The sun, creeping over the mountain peak woke me, it was really hard to get motivated. I rolled over and looked at her, still sleeping there, no sense waking her yet I figured. I looked around and watched as a warm fog began rolling in. Silently, I slipped out from my sleeping bag, stretched and yawned. . "Coffee!" I needed a cup. I finished putting on my boots and set out to make a pot. Gathering twigs and whatever I could find, I finally got a small fire lit. I threw in what could've been the right amount of grounds and put the pot on the fire to brew.
As I sat there waiting for that pot to boil, I listened to all the strange sounds around me, I rolled my breakfast. The birds were singing like some kind of Rocky Mountain, Rock and Roll band. This was pretty cool. Today was looking up. Finishing off a couple cups of what turned out to be a new version of motor oil, took a couple more tokes, and was ready.
Trout! Man I was getting hungry just thinking about it.
I grabbed my fishing pole and headed for the little stream I knew was just up the path.
As I neared the clearing I thought I heard something. I heard it again, a strange woofing noise, it echoed through the valley. There must be other campers up here, I thought to myself.
Well it didn't take long to catch breakfast, couple more and I figured I'd head back. Maybe I'd surprise the ole lady with breakfast. I drew my fly rod back, was just getting ready to let it go when I heard it. Screaming and hollering, the most godawful noise I had ever heard.
"Damn campers!" I mumbled out loud. Then I heard a string of the meanest, nastiest, most obscene words ever. This time, I recognized the voice. It was MY ole lady making all the racket. I dropped my rod right there in the creek and headed up the hill, tripping and falling into cactus. "Damn her hide, this had better be good."
I scrambled up over rocks and through a few tree limbs into the clearing, right damn smack in the middle of a....Bear.
There she was, the bear I mean, screaming and ripping mindlessly at my bike. She tossed the muffler off like a toy, the tank and other parts were scattered all around. And I don't wanna hear anybody tell me a bear ain't big enough to do that. Biggest damn bear I had ever seen, only damn bear I ever seen, outside a zoo that is.
I watched in horror as the damn thing drug my Harley around like it was a toy. Slowly I backed away from the scene, when another thought crossed my mind, a very important thing, the ole lady. Where in the hell was she? I noticed her sleeping bag balled up amidst the rubble of bike parts. Suddenly from high above me, I heard a voice.
"You dumb bastard, up here! You want to do something, get IT out of here, get me down, NOW!"
I looked back at the bear as she ripped a big hunk of leather from the seat.
"So what the hell happened?" I hollered up to her. Boy talk about a dumb question, I knew it was dumb the minute I heard myself say the words. Here's my ole lady up a tree, a bear eating my bike and I ask a dumb ass question like, 'What Happened?' I knew she'd have my ass for that one.
I looked around for something to whack it with. Boy I was really into stupid today, I let that thought go. Now maybe it wasn't so dumb, cause what I did do, well listen for yourself.
I let out a bloody murder scream and started waving my arms around, trying to frighten off the anima. looking like dinner in biker boots.
Just then, the bear stopped and looked up at me, then stands straight up. Have you any idea just how tall a bear is when it stands up? I about wet my chaps when she did that, I've never seen anything that tall, that could eat ya, this close..
"The hell with this noise!" I backed up slowly, looking for a way out. The bear roared, now let me tell you I won't ever forget that sound. Anyway she slowly started moving right for me. Well I didn't waste one minute, I turned my young ass around and ran. I went over rocks, through trees and cactus, past the ole lady's tree and right over the ridge.
I swear she was no more than a foot behind me, I know all that snorting was her, knew I'd feel her warm breath down my collar any minute. And I'll be damn if I was gonna take the time to stop and look back. I kept running until finally I lost the sound of the monster. I just couldn't run any farther.
"Ah shit! Eat me if your gonna." I fell flat on my face, sprawled under some trees, breathless. Then as I began to catch my breath I remembered another piece of important information. "I left the ole lady up a tree, I'm dead meat!"
I moved ever so quietly towards our camp, through the undergrowth. Finally I made it back to the scene of my crime. Motorcycle parts were strewn everywhere and the ole lady was still up the tree, cussin the bear, and me.
I thought about what was gonna happen, why any other time I would have had a gun with me. But noooo, not this time, I heard her words again
"If we're gonna get away from it all we won't need that, now will we."
I hoped she was remembering her famous words too.
So anyway there we were, getting away from it all alright, big city crime, guns, violence, sure, so we can go way the hell in the middle of nowhere to get ate by a damn bear.
I stood there in disbelief, my Harley! Suddenly a voice brought me back from my trance.
"I'm still up here you idiot, get me down!"
I just couldn't help laughing, believe me I tried. But it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen. You know the ole lady up that tree like that, and in her underwear no less. I knew she was not appreciating the humor one bit, boy she was pissed.
Well needless to say she didn't say two words to me the rest of the day. We gathered up as many parts as we could, then spent the evening trying to put the mother back together. By the way, I want to thank the guy who had the brains to invent duct tape. It was the only thing we could find that would hold the gas tank in place, and keep the seat together.
As the day wore itself out, blue and pink light filtered through the trees decorating the approaching evening. Maybe the colors of the sunset would soften her mood? She had one last good suggestion as we headed back down the mountain that next morning. Next year let's vacation somewhere safe, like Detroit.