BROKEN

by Dana Djokic © 2006

 

I am broken. I am a broken human being. Who once was a creative, energetic, emotional and passionate person, is now a numb body, with eyes that can see only what is in front. Years and years of erosion caused by work and relationships, have left a shell of a person, with nothing inside but a feeling of heaviness and at the same time emptiness. I didn't sign up for this. I didn't sign up to live my life alone, with no one to trust, no one to assist me. I didn't sign up to fight the world myself. And yet, that is exactly what has happened. I didn't sign up to constantly defend my being, and that is exactly what I have needed to do, which has left me without even an ounce of energy at this time.

 

I have said all I've wanted to say in my lifetime. I have no more words that I wish to vocalize. Speaking is a tiresome and futile act. It merely fills the air with zillions of additional particles, none of which specifically get noticed, for they all disperse and commingle with zillions of other particles and become one vast diluted atmosphere. There is nothing that I desire for myself at this point in my life, for all my desires have been foreclosed upon. I once looked forward to touch, but even that now seems unnecessary. I once looked forward to color, but even that now is indistinguishable from black or white or gray. Food tastes bland; all music sounds the same; scents are indistinguishable from one another; and every place looks the same.

 

The meaning I carry within me does not coincide with everything else around. I am a peaceful person, yet all around is danger, conflict, noise and pain. Not imagined pain! But pain inflicted by the demands of parenthood, work, relationships, and pain caused by the adverse effects of weather, food, drink, atmosphere and waste. While we can somewhat alter or adjust the latter, the more difficult issue has always been toxicity among relationships. No one is interested in anyone anymore, not even their own

children. We pretend to be, but there = s no time to be interested. Even children have learned to disassociate themselves from those who make sacrifices to raise them. It is an An every man for himself culture which contradicts what is needed for self-preservation.

 

Believe it or not, self-preservation does require group effort. But where is my group? Why did they drop me off at this deserted station when I wanted to continue on with them? I can't do all these things all by myself! Sure, I may appear like I can, but I can't! I have no solution for my broken being at this time, but as a peaceful person and I can only work with what is within my soul. I must draw from within me the values I appreciate and hope that they will carry me through these days when I feel broken.

The End

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