Lacking Conviction
by Jamie Lin © 2007
My grandmother survived through
the Red Guards, even though their province
was the first to turn into a Red State
and I can't find it in myself to get my ass to college
and work hard and walk away a prodigy
so my parents need not work anymore
every day from 10:00 am till 11:00 pm
except Thanksgiving
through summer's brutal heat rays
and winter's chilling ice pricks.
My grandparents raised five children
in the time of starvation and execution
and I can't find it in myself to fight
for anything, where did I come from,
how come I lack conviction when for
generations, my ancestors fought
to live and I am the one who's given everything
and can't do more than mourn over a broken heart,
drop tears for someone I love half to death in my mind,
for reasons I can't explain, the only memory is how I felt
as I flew down the hill to meet him many days ago and the way
I lie when I make up excuse after excuse,
refusing to listen to advice,
even when I knew the truth but I couldn't accept
because I fucking love him half to death.
Why is it that the ones who are given everything
are always the ones who says they hate life
when the ones who have next to nothing
keeps fighting for no reason other than they don't want
to be a living dead and while we're here sitting around
doing homework, complaining about boys and girls,
and never once getting up and taking advantage of
everything we been blessed with.
Why is it that my grandparents and my parents can,
and the one thing I don't know how to do is
fight for what I want, what I believe, and why is it that I
sit here like the lazy ass that I am and
let my dream go like wind through my spread fingers for fear
of never being able to hold it in my palms and let it lit
fire within my heart strings.
My parents were separated for seven years across the seas for my education
and I never once kissed their cheeks and told them how much I love them,
how they're the only two who'd completely break my heart with their words.
Worst of all though, I never once worked half as hard as they do and I never once willingly
gave up a fraction of my personal happiness for family,
a word I never before this moment truly understood and appreciated.
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