PLANET POLLYWOULD

© T. A. Branom

“Cocaine doesn't do anything for me.” Grinning, I leaned across the table to my blind date. “But I love the smell.”

She sighed and gritted her teeth. “You make me wish I were deaf.” She tapped her fingers on the end of her white cane. “Not blind.”

I rubbed my forehead. Blind dates suck. Well, at least I hope they will. No, she wasn't the first sightless girl I've taken out. The ones with sight know better.

“Call me a cab,” she said.

“You're a cab.”

Her cane unfolded, snapping like a whip.

This one ended similar to most of my other dates-and not just the blind ones, either. No, not with whips, but with me feeling whipped. I've always thought of myself as a funny guy. All my friends say I'm a hilarious mutha. Unfortunately, the majority of women don't share my humor. They call me an arrogant S.O.B. A lot.

I ran for the pub doors, whistled, and flagged down the first taxi. When I opened the taxi door, out stepped a doe-eyed, doe-legged beauty. Her eyes were like large almonds. She smelled of cinnamon. She glided past me and headed for the tavern.

A tap between my legs brought me back to earth-and almost dropped me to it. “Pay the driver to take me home.”

Without hesitation, I jerked out my wallet and flipped cash to the driver.

“Don't call me,” she said as she slammed the taxi door.

I turned to the pub and saw the slender beauty slip through the door. I didn't bother to look at blindie in the taxi... not that she'd know anyway. “Don't worry. I won't.” Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a train, I leaped up the lone step in a single bound. In all fairness, it was a rather steep stair.

Back inside, winded from my burst of superhuman power, I searched around the pub for her, but she was nowhere to be found. With a heavy sigh, I swung to the bar for a drink and plowed into a young woman. She staggered backward and I caught her, seeing how I am quite the gentleman.

“Oh, I'm so sorry,” she muttered. Her tight smile quivered. She wasn't bad. A bit pale, long, straight, blonde hippie-hair, but ok. A little reminiscent of a stick, but that's still ok with me.

“Are you alright?” I held onto her and tried to get an eye-lock with her.

“Oh, yes.” Her eyes darted away from mine faster than a kid who's done something awful and been cornered by his mom. She wiggled and squirmed like a kid, too. I began to wonder if I had bad breath. “I'm fine.” She pulled away and smoothed her clothes.

“I'm Simon. Nice to meet you, Fine.”

With a tiny giggle, she finally looked up at me. “I'm Faye.” She smiled sheepishly. Not ba-a-a-a-a-d.

“Faye? I thought you said Fine.” I grinned. “Or did you say Faye Fine? Or fine Faye?”

Glancing away, she chuckled a little more. “No, just Faye.”

“Well, hello, just Faye.” I peeked past her and throughout the pub for the almond-eyed girl.

She looked around me nervously. “So, you are here with someone?”

“Ummm, no. I'm looking for a lady who came in right before me.”

Faye dropped her eyes.

“It's nothing against you. She seemed-how do I say it? Unique?” I bit my lip. “Do you know how I can find her?”

“Unique up on her.”

My eyebrows shot up. Could it be? A woman who appreciated humor? “So, you know her?”

“She's an alien.”

“What? As in illegal alien?”

Faye took my arm and leaned close. “I will tell you something, but you must promise to keep it a secret.”

“What's that?” I thought she was on the verge of revealing juicy gossip about the doe-girl. I bent nearer to Faye.

“I'm a fairy.”

I yanked my head back. “Really?”

Faye nodded and snuggled closer to me.

Oh, boy. Was she joking with me, or was there more to it? “A fairy, huh? So, are you implying you're a lesbian?” I couldn't help myself.

Faye twisted away from me. “What?”

“Well, I mean, if you're a lesbian, then we have something in common because see, I'm a lesbian trapped in a guy's body.”

Guess the joke was on me. Her eyes glazed over like icebergs from Hell. With a huff, she spun around and whisked out the door so fast that I doubt Tinkerbell could have caught her. I followed that fairy tail end as she left. Too bad. I would have liked to seen if she had wings.

I scanned the pub again for the doe-girl. It appeared to be a quiet evening. An old fat woman leaned on her arm, her head in her hand, watching Jeopardy and announcing she didn't know any of the answers to anything that night. Somehow, I could never have guessed that.

A skinny gal with pimples all over her face played the electronic slot machine. Now THERE'S a possible date waiting to happen.

A couple not-so-bad-looking girls sat at the far end of the bar, but they seemed to be very interested in a close examination of the material of each other's clothes-and lipstick. Definitely a maybe.

The other women were sitting together at tables in the back watching men shoot pool. I hate to assume, but I figure they were with the guys playing. If that was the case, I don't think anything good would come from that direction. Not for me anyway. Not unless an ass kickin' and a pool stick in the rear is suddenly enjoyable. Which, just for the record, for me it is not.

Maybe I ought to have been nicer to Faye. She wasn't that bad. Or, should I say, not as bad as what was left in there. Besides, I'd never met a fairy before. She might have liked dancing naked around a fire-or possibly just a bright light.

“So, Faye did not work out for you?” a voice like a song dragged me from the fairy tail. I spun to see the sexy woman with the doe-eyes. Her black dress clung to her in all the right places. And those eyes. They had to be the largest, sexiest eyes I've ever seen in my life, and odd shaped, resembling big almonds. Almonds. Food. My stomach grumbled. “Uh, no, I guess not.”

“Would you like to go some place else? Somewhere far away from here?”

There was something about her lips, too. So small... so soft... so tight. I giggled. “Like a galaxy far, far...”

She smiled a tiny smile and put a finger to my mouth. My eyes crossed as I tried to see the end of her digit. It was like looking down a mile. “My name is Polly.”

Her finger stayed on my lips as I attempted to introduce myself. “Mine's Si...”

“Shhhhh. I do not need to know your name.” She took my hand and we went outside.

“Your car or mine?” I asked.

“Mine,” she answered promptly. I hesitated and looked around the parking lot.

“Is there a problem?” She continued to her car and unlocked the doors.

“Well, you could be a killer or take me somewhere for someone else who will kill me.”

First, she tipped her head to one side, then the other. I was worried she may need shoulder pads to prevent hurting herself. “I do not intend to kill you nor have you killed.” She smiled. “I am simply going to abduct you.”

“Like an alien abduction?”

She cocked her head to the side again. “So, Faye told you and you understand?”

“Faye?” I threw my head back and laughed hard. I had no idea what she meant. Her smile waned, so I pressed on. “You'll bring me back to earth, right?”

“Yes, after I have completed my study of you.”

This was getting good. “You promise?” I smirked.

She sauntered to me, her hips swaying like gentle ocean waves. “I promise.” She batted her doe-eyes at me and smiled that itty-bitty smile again. Taking my hand, she crossed her chest with my finger. “You can cross my heart.”

“Take me to your leader, Polly.” I smiled into those big, saucer-sized eyes. “Or should I say, take me as your breeder?” I was on my way to heaven.

We didn't say much on the drive to her place just outside of town. I don't know how long it took to get there; I couldn't my eyes off her. I swear she had me under a spell.

Her home was a lone house at the end of lengthy, dark road. There were no streetlights; only sunken lights lining the sides; it sort of reminded me of a runway. The house seemed quiet enough from the outside, but when she opened the door, it was like walking into a disco-complete with a huge, glittering disco ball. “Nice place you got here, Polly. Who decorated for you? Austin Powers?”

She smiled and clicked on the lights over the bar. “Would you like a drink?”

“Sure.” I stared at the disco ball flickering light beams all around the room. I could only imagine the panels flipping open and little laser guns pointing out in all directions.

Polly handed me the drink. I wrinkled my face. “It's warm.”

“That is how it is served.”

“What is it? Gravi-tea?” I let out a snicker.

Her eyes shifted side to side.

I decided it would be best to play along with her. “So, Polly, why do you aliens abduct humans?”

She pursed those petite lips. “We take humans to study and breed with.”

“Study and breed with?” Breeding equals sex. Oh, could it be?

“Yes.”

Oh yeah. It was my lucky night. I moseyed beside her. “So, why only people out all alone in the middle of the night?”

She sat her drink on the bar and pressed some buttons. “People alone are typically less social. Fewer friends.” Her dark eyes narrowed. “Fewer problems.”

Hmmm. I'm a lover, not a fighter. And I'm a loner, not a social butterfly. No wonder she picked me. “Aren't you afraid you'll pick up the wrong guy? I mean, like a psychopathic killer or something?”

She huffed. “I only seek less aggressive men.

Less aggressive? I'll show her ‘less aggressive.' “Would you like to study me?”

She licked her lips and cooed, “Polly would.”

I took her hand and tugged her close. I planted a kiss on those tiny, soft, tight lips of hers. Yeah, I was showing her.

Her tongue tore through my mouth and tickled the dangler in the back of my throat. I almost puked. I drew away, but she gripped my shirt and pulled me firm against her. No wonder she likes less aggressive men. She's a real tiger! Grrrrrrr.

I couldn't believe it. Finally, a date gone wild.

She flung me backward onto her bed, my shirt shredding down the back and sliding off from the front. With a quick toss of the material, she was on me. The tip of her tongue lapped my belly button. She slid over me, her face over mine. This could be interesting-except her tongue was still in my belly button.

What the hell was she?

I closed my eyes and held my breath. She stopped. “Are you alright?” she asked. I didn't move. She sniffed my face. “Please don't be dead. I hate when that happens.”

My eyes shot open. “Wait, you've killed people doing this?” I had to come up with something to get out of there quick before...before...I didn't know what. I forced my head up until my nose touched hers, and I screamed in her face.

Startled, she jumped backward and flopped off the bed. In a millisecond, she hopped up to her feet. Scowling, she snatched the top of my jeans, plucking them open with the tips of her fingers. In one quick motion, she tore off my pants. I was stunned. I couldn't move and even if I wanted to, I don't think I would have. Whatever she was, I was no longer thinking of leaving her or this. Mr. Happy was in stiff agreement with me.

She guided her finger over her throat, her chest and to her navel. Her clothes vanished like magic.

She was magically, deliciously, perfect. Flawless. Then, she turned around. She had a stump-a tail. My jaw dropped. Ok, so not so perfect. But, I can live with a tail.

Polly went to the opposite wall.

“What are you doing?” I still wasn't able to move.

She glanced over her shoulder. After a loud click, Polly headed back, dragging something behind her that zinged as if a cable. Pausing at the foot of the bed, she shoved my left leg to one side. “You will let me study you.”

“Sure, baby.” She pushed my other leg over, spreading me open to her. She lowered her head between my legs. I shivered with excitement. Finally, a date that really sucks. With a hard yank, Faye pulled forward an apparatus, zipping from behind her. Her fingers touched me in a hole-y unacceptable place.

“Wh...wh...what is that?” My voice squeaked. Every part of me was numb. I couldn't move.

“This?” She held it up. It was the size of a potato. An Idaho spud. Mr. Potato Head. “It is to study you with, my dear.”

“Ummmm, study wh...what?”

“I need to learn what you have eaten.”

“WHAT?” My muscles tensed. “What for? I can tell you what I've eaten. I can TELL you what I've eaten every day of my life. You DO NOT need to use that.”

“But, it will give me details I cannot retrieve otherwise.”

“Oh, hell no. No, no, no.” I tried to slam my knees together. I struggled to break free from her spell, but I quickly discovered resistance was futile.

“Yes.”

“No!”

“On my planet, it is a common practice for the study of creatures new to us.”

“And what planet is that?” My heart throbbed in my chest. “Look, maybe on Planet PollyWould, it's fine. But, for me, that thing is not going where you think it's going. My back door is exit only. No entrance.” I attempted to wiggle my fingers, then my arms. “I'm one of those guys on planet Earth who really don't like that.”

Polly let go of the thing and it flew backward, zipping with a clang into the wall. She strolled to the window and pulled the curtains aside. Stars filled the sky. She looked back at me, her face stern. The house tipped. Earth came into view. “As you can see, we are no longer on Earth.”

“Oh, my God.” My skin prickled and I shivered.

“It will be alright.” She dashed back to me. “Shhhh.” Her hands caressed me.

“Oh dear God.”

“Please stop talking.” Her eyes turned solid black. The whites were completely gone. Polly lowered her head and squinted at me.

I gaped at her for a couple seconds. What a day to have not boiled the hell out of some water. One never knows when one will need holy water. I had to do something. “May the power of Christ compel you!”

Polly stepped backwards. We both cocked our heads. “Dear Lord, now you've got me doing that!” I sat up. I can move! I backed my way up to the head of the bed and stood on the headboard as she crawled across to catch me. Using my superhuman strength, I leaped over her and ran for the door.

Yeah, that's right. Able to leap crazy aliens in a single bound.

Right on me, she slammed the door shut as I tried to open it. I turned and coughed in her face. She shook her head and squinted, but she didn't let go. So much for that. I knew being healthy was bad for me.

I stomped on her foot.

She yowled and hopped about. I opened the door. And stopped dead in my tracks.

I was in a ship, a UFO. All around were weird plants and even weirder animals. It was like a zoo with no bars. All one big happy family. I ran out into everything. The whole lot started squealing and howling and yipping and squeaking. Every button I saw I pressed. Water rained down, fog rolled in.

My eyes caught a giant glass door. Inside appeared to be a jungle. I could only hope it was a way out or a place to hide or something. Hopefully, I didn't end up in Jumanji world. I poked at the screen outside of the entrance. Nothing.

“You can't get in there.” She appeared out of the fog like a specter.

I continued to stab buttons.

“I will not hurt you,” she said softly.

“I bet you say that to all the boys.”

“I promise.”

“Yeah, right. Promises, promises.” I circled to face her. “So, what did you plan to do with me? Study me and breed with me?”

She lowered her eyes and sighed. “It is what I must do. I will return you unharmed.”

“So, I'm just another experiment?”

Polly hung her head and a giant tear dripped from her eye to the floor, splattering like a raindrop. Great. What ship am I on? An Unidentified Crying Saucer?

“I am not an alien.”

Wagging my finger, I backed against the doors. “I knew it! I knew you weren't an alien! Where are you from? China? Russia?”

She waved her hand. “No.”

“Let me guess. You're a fairy, too?”

She tilted her head.

“Never mind.” I was truly annoyed with the head-cocking thing. “So, you're a spy. What do you want me for, really?”

Her shoulders drooped. “I am half-human. My mother was a human. My father was an alien as you call them. I am here to create the next generation of my people.”

“So, you're an Alien-American?”

She stared at me, her brows creasing deep.

I held up my hand. “Enough of the BS, Polly. Just let me out of here.”

She sighed again. “I cannot. We must breed first.”

“Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not really in the mood now. I have a headache.” I set my hands on my hips. She gazed at me, her doe-like almond eyes batting at me. If I wasn't careful, she'd put me under a spell again, have her way with me, then erase my memory. “So, that's all I am to you? A one night stand?”

“But was that not all I was to be?”

My heart sagged for a second. Perhaps if she wasn't alien, things would be different. If we weren't on a spaceship, it possibly wouldn't matter as much. But, she was and we were. So, maybe she just wanted to save her kind, but I just wanted to save me. “Damn it, Polly. I said let me out of here.” I slammed my fist onto the panel next to the doors. They creaked and groaned.

Polly gasped, her eyes widening as she looked up.

“What is it? What's in there?” I peered inside the opening doors.

“It is a biodome.”

My eyebrows shot up. “You have a Baldwin in there?”

“For other life forms.” She grabbed my arm. “Run!”

We dashed through the zoo. She darted in a sliding door, slipping into a seat. A panel in the wall opened and space appeared before us. Her fingers danced over controls that reminded me of the Simon Says handheld game. Simply match the colors and tones the game showed you.

Yeah, of course I had one.

The ship rolled and turned. Earth disappeared behind us.

“Polly, what are you doing? Where are you going? Take me to earth!”

“I cannot. I cannot let the plants escape to the planet!”

“What? Plants? Why are we leaving because of plants?”

“They will take over in favor of their own matrix.”

“Oh great, stage 3 of the Genesis Project. Where's the captain when you need him?”

Polly huffed. “All life on Earth will cease to exist.”

“Uh huh. Right. Ok. Enough of the games, Polly. Take me home.”

She ignored me. “Simon says NOW, Polly!” I poked the Simon Says colored pads in reverse of her order. The ship revolved and earth appeared.

She looked up at me, teardrops pooling in her big, dark eyes. “You don't know what you are doing.”

“I'm sorry, Polly.” I took my hand off the flashing buttons. “I just want to go home.” I reached out to caress her cheek and wipe her tears. “You promised.”

“Yes,” she said. “Exactly.” She pulled away from me and shook her head. “You are too much trouble anyway.” She pressed a button on the console in front of her. “You may want to sit down.”

“I prefer to stand, thank you.”

“Have it your way.”

Lines blurred and waved. I watched the walls fade in and out. Everything went black, and I dropped to the floor. Guess I should have sat down.

***

I woke up in my car outside the pub. My clothes were shredded and torn. I peered into the rearview mirror. My hair looked like it hadn't been brushed in a week. I even had a short beard. I shook my head. Someday, the partying will land me in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I glimpsed another car in the parking lot. A young stick-like, pale woman with long, straight, blonde hippie-hair stared back at me. I could have sworn I'd seen her before.

“Excuse me,” I shouted out the window. “Have we met?”

She pursed her lips. Another head leaned forward with big doe-eyes. She smiled at me through tiny lips and waved as they drove away.

Oh yeah. They knew me. That had to be one out-of-this-world party. Well, at least I hope so. Really, though. Two gals, one guy? What could be bad about that?

I grinned at the thought of the party I couldn't remember with the chicks in the car. At least they didn't Klingon; that Mars the effect.

And, I bet I made them see stars, because I really like to rockit.

Heh, heh.

__________________ 

T. A. Branom has been published in both print and online venues including the Haunted Encounters anthologies, Ghost Magazine (fiction), The Molotov Cocktail, Everyday Weirdness, and Fictitious Magazine, with upcoming tales in various Static Movement anthologies. She is also a columnist for Unexplained Mysteries. She lives and works in the breathtaking Columbia River Gorge in Washington State with her husband Scott. Keep up with her writing at http://www.home.earthlink.net/~branom201/.