Technically Speaking

© Linda Garnet

I'd taken a drive to clear my head, and then for the fourth time that Saturday night, I called the help number of my service provider. I'd previously been put on hold for what felt like hours, only to be disconnected.

“Do you wish to participate in our customer survey at the end of your call?” said the computerized voice.

“Yes” I said.

“Please state your problem. For example, for information on your account, please

say account; for billing, please say -"

"Internet" I said.

"You want information about everything on the internet. Is this correct?"

"No."

"I'm sorry. Let's try this again. You may speak your choice at any time -“

"Email problem."

"You want information on your last payment. Is this correct?"

"No! Email problem!" I yelled.

“You want information on emu plumes. Is this correct?

“No! Email! Email!”

“You want information on every male. Is this correct?”

“No, you freaking idiot!”

"I'm sorry, I didn't understand that."

"I want help with my email you pathetic piece of crap!" I screamed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't understand -"

“I want to order 500 pepperoni pizzas!” I screamed.

“Got it. You want to place an order. Is this correct?”

“No! Operator!”

"One moment please while I look up that information. Our live operators are available from 8 am to 5 pm on weekdays only."

Tonight I had planned for their incompetence. In response to their survey, I pushed number two on my phone for dissatisfied customer. A half hour later I smirked at the breaking news report on my television. An explosion had destroyed the headquarters of All That & Then Some, my internet service provider.